Clarity Blur

Clarity Blur: Freedom is not free!

2012-01-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Freedom is not free!

2012-01-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

The wiki black out to me felt like city lights receding, like i was spiraling down a rabbit hole losing sight and going into a thoughtless coma. I could not get information at a click anymore. Well maybe squandered resources but not whole information which is categorized the way I’d like to see it.It was only yesterday i realized how i depend on the internet for everything. My imagination is anyway restricted to posting things that do not involve the government, but now to get restricted information is pushing it.

In a war for supremacy and a thirst for power and also to stand out mainly; the govt- which is basically the brain dead fraternity, makes stupid decisions which affect millions. I'm not saying that this doesn’t affect them, it does but in ways they cannot fathom because these people have assistants for everything...to write their speeches to take their calls...so they only see the cause and not the effect in the big picture. These people with power and influence lack intellect and vision. Their opinion is not a measure among the common people...people who rely on free internet to go through daily life. To me the internet is a free space where i can share my thoughts and read others opinions, but apparently now the government has to okay my posts and only then can i share it.
I am not writing to complain about the flawed governments- but to highlight the new kind of ingratitude that exists.
We talk about freedom of speech of thought of religion and how is all that lost when it comes to information?

The internet is an architectural marvel of free information. People get degrees, learn musical instruments, read books, gather information and can get a lot done. It was developed to bring the world closer which is probably why we termed it the World Wide Web. It is so powerful that it brought down governments and this- in my opinion makes a certain section of the society uncomfortable. The right to information demands transparency and in society so fraught with insecurities and loop holes the internet is too powerful to exist without being tamed.

I'm going to end this with a quote that Alfred de Vigny in his 1832 drama Stello said "la race toujours maudite par les puissants de la terre" (The race which will always be cursed by the powerful ones of the earth)

Tags Boxes and Symmetry- the myth.

2011-06-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

They say everything comes at a price. A tag is attached to everything we do, we wear, we think. Relationships have a tag- long term and short term. These tags supposedly exist so that things stick in our memory. Like a great record the music rendered has to have a tag it has to be classified under a genre, it cant just be music because that would be too vague for people to understand.

Talking about understanding, we need to undertsand things in order to feel significant and that significance is tagged to happiness. The bottom line of everyones life is that we want to be happy. Happy being successful, happy being looked up to, happy high, happy with someone, happy being powerful, happy memories, happy being surrounded by happiness.

But Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures,things that cannot be tagged.

I cannot organize the emotions i feel inside me for people to fit one word like love or hate, neither can i lyrically explain the joy i feel when i listen to a good song. the tagging of things makes them categorical and things in categories are for aisles in supermarkets. Arrangement sure does bring about discipline and makes it easier to find things..but relationships and emotions arent things.
More often than not i have made friends with people who aren't my 'type' or people i have the least in common with and i have realised that the combination of inexplicable feelings is what allows people to hinge together. Most times people dont have answers for why they love someone, they would have instant replies for why they hate someone or why someone irks them. This is because the real things in life cannot be classified.

Point is-- we are all going to die. eventually. So if we spent less time tagging and putting things into boxes and being terrorized and flattened by trivialities..we'd be better off.

Smack Down? id rather just shrug.

2010-03-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

Our strengths arise from someone else’s weakness. Believing we are better than some and we can outdo the others is what keeps us going. Is it because we are weak as individuals that we work as a human network bound by emotions and relationships? We see the light in situations and miss out on the shadows. It’s in the shadows that our weakness lies, where the inner child of our being is rooted; the one that craves attention, requires pampering and the constant affirmation from the everyday people in our lives that keep us sane and strong and most importantly secure. We have this self to recover from that place…the path we refuse to tread scared like a child in the darkness of the night.
Strength is a fleeting phase, this illusion we sometimes encounter or sometimes make synchronous with god. We cannot handle the weight of situations on our own.
Under the pressure of trying to be strong.. Ayn Rand makes me feel comfortable,,

"If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders - What would you tell him?"

"I…don't know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?"

"To shrug."

Shrug. When in doubt when the world gets too heavy and the human connection gets weak or lets you down. Don’t run. Shrug.

The art of clichéd troubles and vipasana

2010-03-05T04:14:00.000-08:00

"Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!"
— William Shakespeare (Macbeth)
Troubles are a part of everyone’s life but the trouble with trouble is I don’t go looking for it, it always comes and finds me..be it in school or at home or in some random place. Trouble doesn’t have a compass which points east or west…it just points in every direction where I’m headed. I wish I could make all my troubles stand in a queue in an orderly fashion in ascending order of priority of which one is the bigger pain in the ass and give each one of them a black eye. I could do with extremity of emotions because I know they are all just a passing phase, but trouble on the other hand doesn’t seem to pass. Its like playing super Mario the more you level up the more troubles u have. This relationship I have with it isn’t even reciprocal, it’s not like I learn from the past and avoid the future trouble..nah doesn’t work that way instead I just keep walking into or getting myself into new kind of trouble every step along the way. The bright side is that I know I’m not alone I have peers who seem to get into the similar situation maybe the degree seems lesser when the situation is viewed from my end…BUT the comfort in another person’s discomfort is a sadistically pleasurable thing, in times of trouble surpasses the joy I get out of eating chocolate. For all those who say “it’s a part of life this will strengthen u and u will outlive it and blah blah blah…” I know that. Save your energies. I think more trouble is caused by introspection so I will stop…take Rhonda bryne’s advice and think positively, because everything I get I harness into my life…so like a moral science lesson I guess everything I need to know I already know. So does everyone. When in trouble. Duck. Scream or sleep. Period. Or even better write and chew on someone’s brains and provide fodder for introspection.;)

the times of fast foods and slow digestion..

2009-11-15T06:46:00.000-08:00

Times when the world was flat and we weren’t so sucked into the concrete instead we had muddy feet and bicycle rides making tracks down memory lane, now the taillights of our cars are rampant in various directions, none leading towards a place I call home.. And once they are off I’m left in the dark.

Breaking mirrors and staring at the back of steel plates and silhouettes of the past that refuses to leave our side, a hazy picture meanders at the back of my head. Not exactly a ghost of unfinished business rather the comfort of that smell of old times spent, taste of fresh earth that we struck once in a while, the memory of loved ones cooking ‘my favorite food’, the yells that had strong undertones of love rather than rage. Childish longings, I have come a long way from pigtails and scarlet ribbons adorning them, but the craving for the non material simple things in life... the magic that ceased to be magical now, the fairytales on which my dreams were founded, the rush I got running in circles escaping the ‘lock’ hit,
All over the horizon.

Walking in my slippers trying to trace back on that silk route, along the way I realize the quote “there's no place like home,” doesn’t hold true, but rather that there is no longer such a place as home except, of course, for the homes we make, or the homes that are made for us anywhere and everywhere, except the place from which we began. I have become the fallible adult; the world has grown into me, over me, taken me by a wave of materialistic needs onto the shore of wants, far from the redemptions of those childhood dreams. Im now a part of a world where things we see with our own eyes we doubt, instead conspire behind the peepers to believe what is beneficial instead of the truth, where people sell emotions for a promotion and tackle their families with tact and manipulation. The celebration of the familial bond that binds us is passé. Now we spend our life accumulating things we call ‘assets’ and fussing over them, to earn a place on the social ladder, we care too much about the ‘society’ than our conscience; the intricacies of a family gathering today mite as well become a synonym for ‘business time’.

Solidifying the fluid emotions..
“We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. ”--Bob Moorehead.

and then came hope..

2009-11-09T03:22:00.000-08:00

From your memories, sad brother—from the fitful risings and fallings I heard,
From under that yellow half-moon, late-risen, and swollen as if with tears,
From those beginning notes of sickness and love, there in the transparent mist,
From the thousand responses of my heart, never to cease,
From the myriad thence-arous’d words,
From the word stronger and more delicious than any,
From such, as now they start, the scene revisiting,
As a flock, twittering, rising, or overhead passing,
Borne hither—ere all eludes me, hurriedly,
A man—yet by these tears a little boy again,
Throwing myself on the sand, confronting the waves,
I, chanter of pains and joys, uniter of here and hereafter,
Taking all hints to use them—but swiftly leaping beyond them,
A reminiscence sing. "
— Walt Whitman (Song of Myself)

Why is it that we cant put the past away, everyone likes to take a stroll down memory lane and think about the life that was, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant who reminisces or remembers things that were. We all are bombarded with the clichéd thoughts of ‘What it all meant’ clashing the curvatures of our heads until the brain hemorrhages and the train of thought sooner or later gets derailed and we act on the trauma and head towards the jar of memories stored in brine safely kept away till this moment struck. These thoughts are sometimes constant like the patterns of dust on the butterflies wings, only when the wings flap swiftly do the patterns stick on..

Talking about things that fly and jars..I think about Pandora and the jar she opened which let out evils in the guise of horrid brown winged creatures..She let them all out first but she shut hope in the jar until she let it out the second time

In a time when the air was pure and balmy, and sickness and evils unknown she went ahead and opened the jar...Similarly in times when life is good I feel the need to walk down memory lane, open the jar of memories stored away...Thinking maybe, just maybe the second time around I would find hope.

“Hope...which is whispered from Pandora’s box only after all the other plagues and sorrows had escaped, is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time. And time pushes at our backs like a centrifuge, forcing us outward and away, until it nudges us into oblivion."
— Ian Caldwell

strangling the life out of life.

2009-06-04T23:21:00.001-07:00

Wrestling with the idea that deviation from the normal is good but what good is deviation when the society does not accept it instead you get shoved into bitterness and self contempt. My thoughts maybe clear but my words are produced in a clumsy disharmony and in monotonous repetition of subjects that continue to bother. Experience has taught me that running away is of no good cos when u run what u find at the end of the tunnel is seldom light and plus what am I running from and what am I running to?
People think they have me figured out…how is that when I myself am half perceived. Some think my unpredictability is predictable and some think its insane and ive taken the form of a shape shifter. I am a shape shifter I am shaped by the opinions of every single person; no two peoples being the same. We like things that seem ordained with the laws of nature and our own desires to an extent and anything that defies that is abnormal. I don’t think others could pacify me in times of need neither can I pacify anyone in their time of need because we all suffer from residues of past apprehensions.
In this normality or abnormality however one sees it what keeps me going and grounded are memories. Memories of a happy time, memories of pain and longing, memories of fear that lurked within for years and that defines my life and how well it is lived without any boundaries of judgments.

in or out?

2009-05-27T08:22:00.001-07:00

“You said I began this messy state of love affair and I drink too much and smoke too fast…
And this city's cleared my innocence
Coffee is pouring out my ears It's the only thing they have in here and my heart stops beating…
And my hearts stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating….”

Threnody..Rock songs…poetry..Epitaphs...every piece of literature or art talks about life. The various shades of grey. White. Black. Red. I wonder if the subject is actually that overrated or do we just magnify our situations more than we should..
What is life?
Ive heard it a million times..its all about playing it smart..about manipulation..about using people to my advantage..about ‘taking lite’ and ive never really paid so much attention to any of the advice given to me… and now I feel ensnared and manipulated and pathetic.
I don’t know if this is how the world all over functions or is it all in my head…do I really have to be ‘cut throat’ to get ahead always…does being cut throat mean stepping over my friends and family..Who are my friends..the real ones…how can one tell?? Am I really still trapped in my past?? I have soooo many questions with no logical answers. . . .what happened to the days when all that mattered was the company and now where u went or how much money u spent..Do ppl have peer pressure at all ages? is this actually peer pressure or just all inside my head?
On the other hand… I’m mostly happy not exactly depressed or lamentable...I’m mostly imbued with the traumas of life and the questions lurking in my head about existence and purpose more like my blogs..not exactly insincere but desperately inflated. I feel utterly purposeless and extravagant right now…

pardon me id like the easiest way out.

the four letter word

2009-04-18T07:12:00.001-07:00

Conformation is what binds us all...conformation of trust, happiness, the idea of being with someone...security is what thrusts us into an emotion called love. some says it makes the world go round some say it makes the believer blind... but what is love? the most overrated sought after four letter word which describes a abyss of feelings and twirling emotions. but hate is a four letter word too...and its just the opposite. is that why ppl say opposites attract?? cos one ure done with all the loving then comes the hating?
we live in a 'society' the idea of which is made up by grim and depressing people who have nothing better to do than dwell on others lives and who when they have something to do are utter bores.. so im thinking this whole 'idea' was brought out by the same melancholy and boredom driven individuals. i mean how lame are we...we have valentines day which is dedicated solely to the 'lovers' and this whole feeling of love is so commercialized that i wouldn't even know if i was in love if my guy didn't adorn me and flatter me with flowers and candy and same with hate...i wouldn't know how much i hate someone unless i return the gifts or cry myself to sleep every night...oh wait..if i don't do that the way Cameron Dias or our own bollywood drama queens would do it does that mean i don't hate or love someone for real?

OK lemme try hating my style: The male is a biological accident the Y (male) gene is an incomplete X (female) gene that has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words the male is an incomplete female a walking abortion aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient emotionally limited maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
i can imagine every male rolling their eyes over my style and some females defending the males while the others feel reassured in the insulting and think they can do better than what they previously had.

and my way of loving would be Forrest gump style...head on...excessive serotonin rushes...butterflies in the stomach... the whole looking forward to things and new beginnings and with least amount of expectations...only if i were him..and that naive. but i don't think with all the manipulation and the debauchery i can ever do that hence i settle for the stereotypical way. but if i could i would. since i cant...i run..like him...to move past the pain and the longing.

while i was dreaming..

2009-04-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

if all i ever dreamed came true would i still want more?
if all i want is to be happy is that too much to ask for?
if i had an umbrella for all my emotional downpours.
if i had an oven to bake my heart and make it fluffy with the toppings of love..
if i could tape every awkward but comforting silence..
if i could dive in a pool of redemption..
if i could give wholesome everything to the starved souls..
if i could control the brightness of the stars..
if i could use to straightener to straighten the tangles in my mind..
if i could burn a CD of each memory..every moment of my life..
if i could carve a permanent smile on those faces which i adore the most..
if i could fix things with fevi quick..
if i could wear my attitude in red and my character as makeup..
if i could be the fizz in the drink of hope..
if i could hug away the sorrows of life..
if i could be a gush in the winds of change..

could i ask for more?

What is wrong with Varun?!?!

2009-04-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

Election time..the time when the contenders lose themselves in the unarticulated magic of the masses and are propelled by their approval and praise. They feel unintruded upon amidst the multitudes of followers who believe in them and their voice sublimates into the public sphere and echos peace and assurance. But something was amiss with Varun Gandhi..The optimistic peace loving philosophy of youth had given up on him and he could only hear the echoes of his phoney illusions in his head which led him to make propostorus statements about religion and politics. It more like Shakespeare tragedies all end based on the flimsiest of evidence.
The Muslims moral groundings are based on the polarities of honor and shame and the Sikhs believe in peace. No religion as such preaches violence but this poetry writing disturbed lad seemed to have a religion of his own. His statements are products not only of his idiosyncratic personal vision but somewhere down the line his upbringing seemed to take a toll. Can we blame Indira Gandhi for this?? Or should we let him roll in the mud of self pity in jail?
His statements developed new fuels out of gossip and like in delhi6 this kalabandhar caused havoc in the nation. The harsh reality of this situation is probably that he was not acting against the morals of society and its beliefs but against the conformation that holds it together. Like mentioned in Kushwant Singhs article this boy was raised by a Muslim and was a pensive poetry writing Gandhi kid…but like they say the snake always sheds its skin and this is what he really is before the plain un-gilted mirror of reality.

(P.S written in throes of malicious and pessimistic thoughts...so its as honest and may i add vindictive as i get)

when one thought lead to another...

2009-04-04T03:34:00.000-07:00

The big bang theory.. That’s how the world began..According to science at least... things flew apart the center was not the locus for formations anymore it was haphazard matter clumped with other matter and the primal soup grew more lumpy with more transformations and that’s how the stars, planets, single celled organisms, humans, fish, dinosaurs, mammals and everything else followed then came.. LIFE.
The birth of things or birth itself is a feel good feeling cos it’s the innocence and naivety that’s makes us feel warm and fuzzy and the whole process of being ‘born’ or giving ‘birth’ feels exhilarating. It’s a path unknown everyone’s scared and it’s a state of mixed feelings. Since we are wired to be happy at the start of things we do so. But after that the rest of the process gets complicated and Shakespeare said the 7 stages explain it all…we come and we leave it’s a vicious cycle.

What abt the process in between?? I’m not going to say we are products of gods creation or give any scientific explanations because its too controversial a topic and more like discarded topics in the corners of my babble. The philosophy of naturalism which is that of the visible; cannot explain it for we precede it...but lets assume like the big bang theory we are composed of light, heat and dust cos that makes more sense...

Inside us all we have this capricious conceited being who resists boundaries, rebelling rules, shapeshifting transgressive..more like a shadow which trespasses sense and sensibility. There are times our reactions have no explanations more like an out of body experience where the spirit within escapes the chains of what we know ourselves to be; rising in defiance, provoked by captivity where the worlds rules and reasons are a waste. I always gave this state a term..stress is what I called it but its more than stress…it’s a state which everyone goes through some choose to suppress it and some choose to let it out rising in delirium…the brain is out of the groove and life is burning on a shorter fuse and it’s a feeling more like that of thorns or blades twisting in every gut..the feeling of being backstabbed by our faith in the course that things should take.. but went otherwise.

In classical Greek mythology there is a reason why each deity was given the particular role. Aphrodite wasn’t just called the goddess of love for no reason and Eumenides the goddess of wrath technically they were born together …it is When the Titan Cronos castrated his father Uranus and threw his genitalia into the sea, Eumenides emerged from the drops of blood, while Aphrodite was born from the sea foam …it is the circumstances that proved their role; like in each play an actor has a role to play. In Shakespeare’s words ‘ all worlds a stage and we are all actors’ every individual has a part to play but sometimes circumstances bring out the worst in people and generally it’s people that bring out the worst in people. We live in a society where we are judged based on beauty or on our fiscal bounties or if u lack both but have the gift of the gab then u can make it through… but these qualities alone aren’t enough..cos if it were then half the world would be happy and we wouldn’t go though the whirlpool of contradictory emotions.
It is much more.. hundred percent is not enough anymore.. so to summarize my gurgling explosion of thoughts id say..life is not simple as it is…but we further complicate it everyday cos we forget to count to ten and then speak…we live on impulsion and every theory is based on impulsive collisions… so if ure head hurting..Its good...It’s called thinking…just don’t go too far with it.

Its summer!! my rose tinted glasses are back on!!

2009-02-19T01:37:00.000-08:00

“Our forever is composed of now”…

I keep procrastinating my work, emotions, promises that I have to keep everyday; waiting on a tomorrow which never seems to come…Including meeting old friends or a simple thing like writing a blog. I say “we’ll meet up one of these days” “I’ll do it one of these days”. Somehow I have even lost the inclination to say ‘ill do it tomorrow’ because tomorrow seems too soon for me to decide on things and today seems impossible.

I’ve been drifting into the engulfing full time experience my today has to offer which fulfills me deeply for the moment but on the big picture basis I think im drifting into a fog of disturbed pattern less timescale and loss of direction which thickens each day with the amount of time I waste just sitting around at my lab doing nothing constructive.

I still think and daydream about the world being a place of wonders where life is simple and the present moment is all we have to worry about and the future is limitless and infinite and doesn’t need much attention and the past being useless and fortunately gone for good. Wrapped in my sorcerer’s blanket of childishness I don’t seem to have moved on to my new fond adult life and everything it has to offer.

I’ve often wondered about 5 years from now and I don’t have the slightest clue as to where I would be or what I would do and that does pull me out of my comfort zone but then again I drift back to my present because who knows what the future holds…cos no one can possible predict their future even if its some oracle!

Yesterday I got this mail from TCS which read “welcome to the world of certainty, we help you make a smooth transition from campus life to corporate life…watch this space for more details” and I thought…certainty in a world where recession has taken a toll on the economy and everything is haywire..Especially in the IT sector…it seems more like a euphemism for slavery and self doubt and most importantly oxymoronic rather than comforting. I want the Job they have to offer I really do but the ‘certainty’ got to me because ironically while I was reading the mail I got a call from them asking me about my GPA and how I need to keep my grades up to get the offer letter. “you have to fit the criteria” he said and im thinking what criteria is left to fill when I was handpicked by them. After the call I was overwhelmed with a feeling of insecurity and self doubt and this little animation played out in my head…I was a dot in a big circle which was barely visible but visible enough to tell the circle wasn’t plain but had a dot in the center. I make a difference and that’s important for me to know.

Right now…exactly at this very moment life seems kind of indistinct, like a picture where the photographers hand shook a little. Clarity-blur.

There is so much happening in the world around and somehow nothing seems to affect me. All I care about is fulfilling my wants and catering to me needs. I’ve become so self involved and narcissistic and laid back, its been a while since I thought about someone else and their issues, feelings, etc. or even a simple thought like doing something for my parents or friends hasn’t struck a chord.

Yesterday a friend of mine said ‘Ramya don’t u think it’s the small things in life that really matter’ and the normal emotionally driven me would have said ‘obviously’ in my high pitched tone but instead I said ‘ya rite! Are u drunk?’

Someone said “the human race is a life sentence it is a rough confinement and sometimes we all need to break out of jail” But im majorly confined in my head and how can one walk out of their mind? I realized there is no depth to my connection with anything..everything lasts while it lasts and id like to believe that I miss things which are lost but I realized honestly its only when im alone and I have nothing to do is when I think about those things…on an average day when I am surrounded by people and work im good. Im super actually.

Is that how everyone feels or is it just me? I wonder…

I look at things around me like beautiful houses, cars..etc and I tell myself ten years down the line I will own a house like that and ten years down the line…
I want to be successful, I want to make my parents proud, I want take care of my family and friends, I’ll get serious work hard and party less, I’ll settle with someone who is just like one of my friends..
But I realized I don’t have to wait ten years for any of those things to happens…well maybe a house and my black lamborghini I have to wait on…but the other things I can do them all right now…It is indeed my now that makes my tomorrow and my forever.

Wise wise Emily Dickinson!!

Must read.

2009-02-10T10:36:00.001-08:00

http://mindramble-prad.blogspot.com/

emancipation of me.

2009-02-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

Changes in character like that of night and day..manipulative tongue preceded that of his word ..
Chasing illusions of trust and warmth; im cold now. Tasting the death of my emotions in the deluded infactuations cornered in hallucinations floats my lifeless image suspended in emptiness.
Blank. White noise.
Debauchery and indulgence coupled with emptiness and wrath mask my soul. I carve a smile on it to make it look real while my soul wanders into a place where there are no bounderies.
Freedom is a state of mind.
Floating..trying to get a grip of assurance..falling…not freely but bound by the society.
I want to see the white light; the exaggerated state of euphoria..take me there..offer me the world before I blink I want to live.
Crawling past pain into torture im starting to enjoy this. Masochism is therapeutic. Narcissism pulled me through.
We come alone we leave alone. Everything in between is transient.

essay for some university

2008-12-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Just thought id post the essay i wrote for a friend which she had to submit to some university..

What did you experience when you first went abroad or visited a different culture than your own? How did you overcome the cultural differences?

My first trip abroad made me realize that You don’t have to go looking for lessons about life in sociology theses, you simply have to go around the world and explore for yourself.

Fascinating truths of life emerge when we move out of our own space to wander around. Cultural differences, language, accents, mentalities are all the minor things that we deal with; the lessons learnt are the bigger deal. From my first experience i concluded on the following

Lesson 1: Your viewpoint depends on your point of viewing.

Lesson 2: Life is a continuous battle to find your own space.

Lesson 3: Keeping an open mind is the key to forming cordial relations

My imagination out ran logic when I thought about the difference between my home and the outside world but experience taught me better. People, I realized are all the same what differs is the lifestyle but what binds us is our humanitarian nature and our innate ability to accept change and rather learn from change than resist it. It wasn’t exactly a fish out of water experience it was more like the river fry meeting the sea fish. Being a native of India where each state has its own culture and tradition it is not a task to fit in, it is rather a task to know everything one has to about his motherland which is so diverse. In PASCAL’s words “Since one cannot be universal by knowing everything that can be known about everything, it is necessary to know a little about everything.” The little we all know about all the cultures is enough to get us to converse from there on individuality takes over.

A common term we people in the east hear is “western culture”. The adults frown upon it and the adolescents thrive on it, but rather than going to the extremes the majority of the people choose the elements of the ‘western culture’ that appeal to them and same goes for the people in the west. It is the amalgamation which forms a mosaic rather than the individual dominance.

Music Therapy

2008-08-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground And start new when your heart is an empty room With walls of the deepest blue Home's face: how it ages when you're away Spring blooms and you find the love that's true But you don't know what now to do Cause the chase is all you knowAnd she stopped running months ago And all you see is where else you could be When you're at homeAnd out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone The flames and smoke climbed out of every window And disappeared with everything that you held dear <----------But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need Cause you knew you were finally free Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you're at homeOut on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone And all you see is where else you could be,when you're at home,There on the street, are so many possibilities to not be alone. . . .-Death Cab for a Cutie.

this song is my favorite one rite now. . . . its all about restlessness and longing , its about someone who always pines for something more in life but can never get a grasp on it. . .

My state of mind 22/8/08

2008-08-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

Its been a very long time since something really moved me. ..since sentiments struck atleast one responsive chord. Gone are the days of butterflies in the stomach feeling or even chills down my spine feeling. . .i feel numb like a corpse. There have been times when my life played out like a movie...preferably a black and white one but the reality is in color and is less well scripted than a movie. This feeling called life drives us all to our finest heights and our darkest depths. . .the joy brings inspiration,creation,passion etc. then comes the pain, unafraid outbursts and so the vicious cycle of giving and receiving everything continues. . .
There are times i wonder why cant we just scream and get violent and let it all out.?why is it that we are civilised? inspite of man and his animal instincts. . .is it because we are here to impress?no it is because this is what we are. . . we civilize ourselves to disguise ourselves and when we cant anymore we raise each other to heights of aggrevation and we tear each other limb from limb. It happens all over be it in war. . .or in relationships. . .anything!
L-o-v-e is the most sought after four letter word. . .people use it so much that i wonder what is the correct definition. I have often mistaken infactuation for love or maybe not. . .how do i knw? right now love to me seemslike a mutual clutching at the lifebelt of the other while drowning in lonliness. . .fearing that if i do give up on it i mite be giving up too soon on something that i actually desire.. . on the contrary i also tend to think that im not up for it. I am seized by melancholy because of my state of mind but im sure it will sublimate into the public sphere like all other thoughts and feelings. . incase it doesnt. . .i will just have to roll in the mud of self pity for a while. ..

Ayn Rand put it simply for me: The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody has decided not to see.

The IN thing!

2008-06-20T09:07:00.001-07:00

Gourmet meals, gizmos, garments which are recklessly consumed in conformity with the current social aesthetics are out! Its murder, rape, treachery, inflation, rebellion, road rage, elections…which are all in!! I don’t think an hour of headlines is enough anymore that’s why NDTV is the most sought after channel because its 24/7 up to date with the crime scenes, political monologues, narcoanalysis results, court hearings, under the table deals…or whatever is it that pulls a common man out of his skin and gives him a reality check: WATCH OUT U MAY BE NEXT!
I’m not going to start off about how bad our legal system is or how the county’s gone to the dogs! Cos as citizens we can’t really do much…whats ironic is we’re the biggest democratic nation. Public opinion maybe the new religion….but we’re all heretic! i think...
'To be comfortable with discomfort...one must banish all contact with ease...' since this is a trend which is here to stay!
(NOTE: For all of u ppl who think bad news sells and it doesnt mean we are next..firstly i write from my point of view..and secondly u need a reality check)

what i wish i'd known sooner..

2008-06-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

I feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what I have. Things cannot be taken for granted ever cos u never know when life will strike so hard that we won't be able to lift ourselves up... I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not living in some horrific perpetual hell like or dream state yet somehow i am unable to interact automatically. Little did i know something would unhinge my brain and id have these thoughts colliding with each other and creating a mass of....confusion I guess. Sometimes I think there are things I wished i had known sooner...

Like...

..We are all a simple action away from a complete disaster.
.. People do get bored of each other at some point not because they lose interest in each other but because u have to be interested or nothing is ever interesting.
..Sooner or later ure parents do find out all the shit u do.
..When we think we are being sly and smart by stepping over people to make it to the top...guess what..the fall to the ground will hit twice as hard!!
..Feel while we still can and have the time to do so.
..Laugh. everyday. no matter what.
..Remember someone’s always having a tougher time than you are. always.
..when the going gets tough.....the tough do get going.
..Self destruction is not the answer to anything...i mean why inflict pain on ourselves while we have things like pillows to stab!!
..MURPHY's laws are the most sensible laws ever..cos they prove themselves everyday!
..Crises are there at every stage... childhood..quarter life...mid life...old age... so deal with it!
..Don’t ever let ure life wait for other people.
..If it hurts don’t ever do it again.
..ten yrs from now most of what we freak out about won't even matter.
..Smart people can sometimes do very stupid things.
..Being nice to people will get you very far.
..Never Ever let anyone make you compromise your standards. NEVER.
..Nothing is ever too good to be true.
..Never do something if the risk is greater than the reward.
..God doesn’t make JUNK!
..Hair is flammable. Very flammable.
..If you laugh at ureself then u'll do fine. If u allow others to laugh with you...u'll do great!

Speaking "LOUD & CLEAR" can cause deafness!

2008-05-26T22:49:00.001-07:00

“At home Drawing pictures Of mountain tops With him on top Lemon yellow sun Arms raised in a V Dead lay in pools of maroon below Daddy didn't give attention To the fact that mommy didn't care King Jeremy the wicked Ruled his world.. Jeremy spoke in class today Jeremy spoke in class today Clearly I remember Pickin' on the boy Seemed a harmless little fuck But we unleashed a lion Gnashed his teeth And bit the recessed lady's breast How could i forget He hit me with a surprise left My jaw left hurtin Dropped wide open Just like the day Like the day i heard Daddy didn't give affection And the boy was something mommy wouldn't wear
King jeremy the wicked Ruled his world Jeremy spoke in class today Jeremy spoke in class today Try to forget this... Try to erase this...From the blackboard.”

Bullies…. We have em all over the place…be it in school…at the playground…in college…at a workplace.. they never go away….instead it’s a vicious cycle….the bullies stay bullies and the bullied become bullies in due course of time..
How many of us have been Jeremy (not in the literal sense of blowing our brains out)? Or atleast played a role in creating a Jeremy??
Trying to show the world we are better..stronger..people…while breaking down with insecurities on the inside… shoving the naïve into the hoops of sorrow and depression and lifetime of low self esteem…while we long treaded that path…
Ask me what a definition of a bully is…in my mind bullies are intolerant of contrary opinion, domineering and rather cowardly. Secretly hoping that none of those terms could be fairly used in describing me. Truth is all of us are intolerant of contrary opinions…..some lash it out…while other keep shut like safety vaults…things locked are valuable things which others do not care to see…
Jeremy the wicked ruled his world unspoken... shook the rest of the world when he spoke...leaving behind impressions of things unsaid….leaving ppl regretting…leaving the blackboard with inerasable stains…
Whats the point…we all know how it feels but we still go on…cos we need something to trample on..something to make us feel we have made a mark..even if its on somebody!! It’s a vicious cycle…

Sense and Sensibility

2008-05-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

The life cycle is simple there is no place for emotions..sentiment...drama here actually speaking. It starts with life and ends with death. u come into the world with nothing and u leave with nothing. People who say good memories of a good life lived and all is utter nonsense cos hello ure dead...ure mind does not function it is devoid of the riot of thoughts.....ure finally at peace.... we get all the warmth we want in the womb and when we're out...is a cold cold world... the price u pay for everything is non negotiable. We pay a price for death also...”Adult body: Rs 250; child under 12 years: Rs 125." this is also non negotiable…Pooof…ure burnt to ashes!!
That is the simple truth of life… but what we want from life is actually not that simple….

People travel all over the world for mental peace...serenity…the travel agents are the ones who profit the most from this stupid misconception that “PEACE” is available in some foreign destination for a price. Its part of our “human” nature…we need something to look forward to something that makes us feel different for even a little while…anything new excites us….cos if peace really did come for a price then we’d all be living in the same piece of paradise wont we?!? Atleast all the Pg3’s would…

Face it we all sadistically like our run-of-the-mill lives…even the man who says “omg ekta kapoor needs to get a life” secretly likes the saas bahu drama…all of us at one point or the other have watched them and were addicted to them… and then we blame it on our moms or grandparents watching it cos of which we were forced to watch…drama drama drama

Guys complain about how much time a girl takes to dress up and all nonsensical gyaan she gets from cosmopolitan…only if they weren’t so embarrassed to admit that its not the chick on the cover they are interested in but all the beauty tips about how to keep the skin clear and have a perfectly toned body and they love it when the girl takes a while cos it makes them feel special like their opinion matters.….drama drama drama

We all love drama…be it bold and the beautiful or saas bahu boo hoo’s or our never ending hunt for something better….we all think it makes our life better and worthwhile. Truth is nothing matters.....what we give into life is what we want out of it as long as we live. Cos after that who cares….

Mr and Mrs. Talwar

2008-05-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

In an increasing trend, a totally innocuous incident of rage has led a father to kill his daughter?

"What was widely suspected but was virtually unspeakable has apparently come true. Dr Rajesh Talwar, one of the city's most successful dentists, killed his own daughter, Aarushi, and manservant Hemraj in cold blood to write an utterly depressing chapter in parent-child relationships, according to police. " Reads the Times of India newspaper..
But seriously how much of it is actually the truth? It sounds more like the police are framing the father for their incompitence rather than, them finding hardcore evidence to prove the case.
If he actually killed his daughter and the manservent why would he not dispose off the bodies?? being a doctor he'd know the best possible way to do so...unlike the clumsy money-fame- hungry mediocre kannada actress and her outraged naval officer boyfriend.
Lets examine the sequence of events again.... the father found the manservent in an "objectionable but not compromising" position with the daughter and Why did he do it again?according to the police there are two reasons on offer — him being consumed by passion for a woman and enraged by his daughter's opposition, as well as a desire to save the family's "honour" by killing his "loose" daughter —but wait they also mention.... "only further investigations will bring out the truth." so they still dont know what the truth is and they have so confidently pinned down the father..this is what i call abusing position and our right to the freedom of speech!
It took them more than ten yrs to solve hundreds of cases like Jessica lal...the road rage of the spoilt rich son of an MP, the scarlet case which is still "under investigation"...im expecting atleast another three hundred odd days..for them to "investigate" this one and come out with answers.

my oxymoronic state

2008-05-23T09:59:00.001-07:00

Every form of happiness is private. Our greatest moments are personal, self-motivated, not to be touched.
How happy are we now-a-days?? Genuinely..is it the company of friends and family that makes us happy? Is it achievement in any sense that makes us happy? Is it getting everything we ever wished for? Is it the birth of new things? Is it a great day? a good night out?lots of booze?(lol)
What is it that truly makes a man happy?

I was watching this movie Last Kiss where the scrubs guy Zack Braff stars..as usual totally over rated movie...but what got my attention in the whole movie was the fact that the guy had everything he ever wanted and it wasn’t enough...the fact that everything was perfect didn’t make him happy...instead he felt saturated and “stuck” . Is that how most of us feel? Cos to an outsider looking into anyone’s life...it looks great..desirable..better than his in every sense of the word..what the outsider seldom knows is that to the man; his life looks like a fun house mirror....skewed..every scene so blown out of proportion that he forgets what the root of the whole problem was in the first place. Gettin back to the movie..hes so stuck that he thinks cheating on his close to perfect(cos there’s nothing like perfect.lol)girlfriend will get him “unstuck” and when he totally screws up everything for himself he wants the old things back!

Why is it the case with everyone that we seldom know how much something means to us until its totally lost.?!?Blame it on the human nature...but that would be blaming ourselves...more like an eight sin that Dante forgot to mention.. so lets blame it on... the rise in terrorism, crime, inflation, sixth pay commission, bad government!!!

whirlwind..

2008-05-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

Round and Round i love to go...
in this whirlwind i lose myself...dispose my troubles..dispense my sorrows..
awaken my soul....im alive now...
in a world so dead..
every breath i take measures my life....in this moment i want to live...
time spins...trees look greener...sand looks inviting...
childish imagination runs wild..
... highlighted by the moon...
reality slays my thoughts..
freedom is not free!