when one thought lead to another...

The big bang theory.. That’s how the world began..According to science at least... things flew apart the center was not the locus for formations anymore it was haphazard matter clumped with other matter and the primal soup grew more lumpy with more transformations and that’s how the stars, planets, single celled organisms, humans, fish, dinosaurs, mammals and everything else followed then came.. LIFE.
The birth of things or birth itself is a feel good feeling cos it’s the innocence and naivety that’s makes us feel warm and fuzzy and the whole process of being ‘born’ or giving ‘birth’ feels exhilarating. It’s a path unknown everyone’s scared and it’s a state of mixed feelings. Since we are wired to be happy at the start of things we do so. But after that the rest of the process gets complicated and Shakespeare said the 7 stages explain it all…we come and we leave it’s a vicious cycle.

What abt the process in between?? I’m not going to say we are products of gods creation or give any scientific explanations because its too controversial a topic and more like discarded topics in the corners of my babble. The philosophy of naturalism which is that of the visible; cannot explain it for we precede it...but lets assume like the big bang theory we are composed of light, heat and dust cos that makes more sense...

Inside us all we have this capricious conceited being who resists boundaries, rebelling rules, shapeshifting transgressive..more like a shadow which trespasses sense and sensibility. There are times our reactions have no explanations more like an out of body experience where the spirit within escapes the chains of what we know ourselves to be; rising in defiance, provoked by captivity where the worlds rules and reasons are a waste. I always gave this state a term..stress is what I called it but its more than stress…it’s a state which everyone goes through some choose to suppress it and some choose to let it out rising in delirium…the brain is out of the groove and life is burning on a shorter fuse and it’s a feeling more like that of thorns or blades twisting in every gut..the feeling of being backstabbed by our faith in the course that things should take.. but went otherwise.

In classical Greek mythology there is a reason why each deity was given the particular role. Aphrodite wasn’t just called the goddess of love for no reason and Eumenides the goddess of wrath technically they were born together …it is When the Titan Cronos castrated his father Uranus and threw his genitalia into the sea, Eumenides emerged from the drops of blood, while Aphrodite was born from the sea foam …it is the circumstances that proved their role; like in each play an actor has a role to play. In Shakespeare’s words ‘ all worlds a stage and we are all actors’ every individual has a part to play but sometimes circumstances bring out the worst in people and generally it’s people that bring out the worst in people. We live in a society where we are judged based on beauty or on our fiscal bounties or if u lack both but have the gift of the gab then u can make it through… but these qualities alone aren’t enough..cos if it were then half the world would be happy and we wouldn’t go though the whirlpool of contradictory emotions.
It is much more.. hundred percent is not enough anymore.. so to summarize my gurgling explosion of thoughts id say..life is not simple as it is…but we further complicate it everyday cos we forget to count to ten and then speak…we live on impulsion and every theory is based on impulsive collisions… so if ure head hurting..Its good...It’s called thinking…just don’t go too far with it.

Its summer!! my rose tinted glasses are back on!!

“Our forever is composed of now”…

I keep procrastinating my work, emotions, promises that I have to keep everyday; waiting on a tomorrow which never seems to come…Including meeting old friends or a simple thing like writing a blog. I say “we’ll meet up one of these days” “I’ll do it one of these days”. Somehow I have even lost the inclination to say ‘ill do it tomorrow’ because tomorrow seems too soon for me to decide on things and today seems impossible.

I’ve been drifting into the engulfing full time experience my today has to offer which fulfills me deeply for the moment but on the big picture basis I think im drifting into a fog of disturbed pattern less timescale and loss of direction which thickens each day with the amount of time I waste just sitting around at my lab doing nothing constructive.

I still think and daydream about the world being a place of wonders where life is simple and the present moment is all we have to worry about and the future is limitless and infinite and doesn’t need much attention and the past being useless and fortunately gone for good. Wrapped in my sorcerer’s blanket of childishness I don’t seem to have moved on to my new fond adult life and everything it has to offer.

I’ve often wondered about 5 years from now and I don’t have the slightest clue as to where I would be or what I would do and that does pull me out of my comfort zone but then again I drift back to my present because who knows what the future holds…cos no one can possible predict their future even if its some oracle!

Yesterday I got this mail from TCS which read “welcome to the world of certainty, we help you make a smooth transition from campus life to corporate life…watch this space for more details” and I thought…certainty in a world where recession has taken a toll on the economy and everything is haywire..Especially in the IT sector…it seems more like a euphemism for slavery and self doubt and most importantly oxymoronic rather than comforting. I want the Job they have to offer I really do but the ‘certainty’ got to me because ironically while I was reading the mail I got a call from them asking me about my GPA and how I need to keep my grades up to get the offer letter. “you have to fit the criteria” he said and im thinking what criteria is left to fill when I was handpicked by them. After the call I was overwhelmed with a feeling of insecurity and self doubt and this little animation played out in my head…I was a dot in a big circle which was barely visible but visible enough to tell the circle wasn’t plain but had a dot in the center. I make a difference and that’s important for me to know.

Right now…exactly at this very moment life seems kind of indistinct, like a picture where the photographers hand shook a little. Clarity-blur.

There is so much happening in the world around and somehow nothing seems to affect me. All I care about is fulfilling my wants and catering to me needs. I’ve become so self involved and narcissistic and laid back, its been a while since I thought about someone else and their issues, feelings, etc. or even a simple thought like doing something for my parents or friends hasn’t struck a chord.

Yesterday a friend of mine said ‘Ramya don’t u think it’s the small things in life that really matter’ and the normal emotionally driven me would have said ‘obviously’ in my high pitched tone but instead I said ‘ya rite! Are u drunk?’

Someone said “the human race is a life sentence it is a rough confinement and sometimes we all need to break out of jail” But im majorly confined in my head and how can one walk out of their mind? I realized there is no depth to my connection with anything..everything lasts while it lasts and id like to believe that I miss things which are lost but I realized honestly its only when im alone and I have nothing to do is when I think about those things…on an average day when I am surrounded by people and work im good. Im super actually.

Is that how everyone feels or is it just me? I wonder…

I look at things around me like beautiful houses, cars..etc and I tell myself ten years down the line I will own a house like that and ten years down the line…
I want to be successful, I want to make my parents proud, I want take care of my family and friends, I’ll get serious work hard and party less, I’ll settle with someone who is just like one of my friends..
But I realized I don’t have to wait ten years for any of those things to happens…well maybe a house and my black lamborghini I have to wait on…but the other things I can do them all right now…It is indeed my now that makes my tomorrow and my forever.

Wise wise Emily Dickinson!!

Must read.

http://mindramble-prad.blogspot.com/

emancipation of me.

Changes in character like that of night and day..manipulative tongue preceded that of his word ..
Chasing illusions of trust and warmth; im cold now. Tasting the death of my emotions in the deluded infactuations cornered in hallucinations floats my lifeless image suspended in emptiness.
Blank. White noise.
Debauchery and indulgence coupled with emptiness and wrath mask my soul. I carve a smile on it to make it look real while my soul wanders into a place where there are no bounderies.
Freedom is a state of mind.
Floating..trying to get a grip of assurance..falling…not freely but bound by the society.
I want to see the white light; the exaggerated state of euphoria..take me there..offer me the world before I blink I want to live.
Crawling past pain into torture im starting to enjoy this. Masochism is therapeutic. Narcissism pulled me through.
We come alone we leave alone. Everything in between is transient.

essay for some university

Just thought id post the essay i wrote for a friend which she had to submit to some university..

What did you experience when you first went abroad or visited a different culture than your own? How did you overcome the cultural differences?

My first trip abroad made me realize that You don’t have to go looking for lessons about life in sociology theses, you simply have to go around the world and explore for yourself.

Fascinating truths of life emerge when we move out of our own space to wander around. Cultural differences, language, accents, mentalities are all the minor things that we deal with; the lessons learnt are the bigger deal. From my first experience i concluded on the following

Lesson 1: Your viewpoint depends on your point of viewing.

Lesson 2: Life is a continuous battle to find your own space.

Lesson 3: Keeping an open mind is the key to forming cordial relations

My imagination out ran logic when I thought about the difference between my home and the outside world but experience taught me better. People, I realized are all the same what differs is the lifestyle but what binds us is our humanitarian nature and our innate ability to accept change and rather learn from change than resist it. It wasn’t exactly a fish out of water experience it was more like the river fry meeting the sea fish. Being a native of India where each state has its own culture and tradition it is not a task to fit in, it is rather a task to know everything one has to about his motherland which is so diverse. In PASCAL’s words “Since one cannot be universal by knowing everything that can be known about everything, it is necessary to know a little about everything.” The little we all know about all the cultures is enough to get us to converse from there on individuality takes over.

A common term we people in the east hear is “western culture”. The adults frown upon it and the adolescents thrive on it, but rather than going to the extremes the majority of the people choose the elements of the ‘western culture’ that appeal to them and same goes for the people in the west. It is the amalgamation which forms a mosaic rather than the individual dominance.

Music Therapy

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground And start new when your heart is an empty room With walls of the deepest blue Home's face: how it ages when you're away Spring blooms and you find the love that's true But you don't know what now to do Cause the chase is all you knowAnd she stopped running months ago And all you see is where else you could be When you're at homeAnd out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone The flames and smoke climbed out of every window And disappeared with everything that you held dear <----------But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need Cause you knew you were finally free Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you're at homeOut on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone And all you see is where else you could be,when you're at home,There on the street, are so many possibilities to not be alone. . . .-Death Cab for a Cutie.

this song is my favorite one rite now. . . . its all about restlessness and longing , its about someone who always pines for something more in life but can never get a grasp on it. . .

My state of mind 22/8/08

Its been a very long time since something really moved me. ..since sentiments struck atleast one responsive chord. Gone are the days of butterflies in the stomach feeling or even chills down my spine feeling. . .i feel numb like a corpse. There have been times when my life played out like a movie...preferably a black and white one but the reality is in color and is less well scripted than a movie. This feeling called life drives us all to our finest heights and our darkest depths. . .the joy brings inspiration,creation,passion etc. then comes the pain, unafraid outbursts and so the vicious cycle of giving and receiving everything continues. . .
There are times i wonder why cant we just scream and get violent and let it all out.?why is it that we are civilised? inspite of man and his animal instincts. . .is it because we are here to impress?no it is because this is what we are. . . we civilize ourselves to disguise ourselves and when we cant anymore we raise each other to heights of aggrevation and we tear each other limb from limb. It happens all over be it in war. . .or in relationships. . .anything!
L-o-v-e is the most sought after four letter word. . .people use it so much that i wonder what is the correct definition. I have often mistaken infactuation for love or maybe not. . .how do i knw? right now love to me seemslike a mutual clutching at the lifebelt of the other while drowning in lonliness. . .fearing that if i do give up on it i mite be giving up too soon on something that i actually desire.. . on the contrary i also tend to think that im not up for it. I am seized by melancholy because of my state of mind but im sure it will sublimate into the public sphere like all other thoughts and feelings. . incase it doesnt. . .i will just have to roll in the mud of self pity for a while. ..

Ayn Rand put it simply for me: The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody has decided not to see.