Its summer!! my rose tinted glasses are back on!!

“Our forever is composed of now”…

I keep procrastinating my work, emotions, promises that I have to keep everyday; waiting on a tomorrow which never seems to come…Including meeting old friends or a simple thing like writing a blog. I say “we’ll meet up one of these days” “I’ll do it one of these days”. Somehow I have even lost the inclination to say ‘ill do it tomorrow’ because tomorrow seems too soon for me to decide on things and today seems impossible.

I’ve been drifting into the engulfing full time experience my today has to offer which fulfills me deeply for the moment but on the big picture basis I think im drifting into a fog of disturbed pattern less timescale and loss of direction which thickens each day with the amount of time I waste just sitting around at my lab doing nothing constructive.

I still think and daydream about the world being a place of wonders where life is simple and the present moment is all we have to worry about and the future is limitless and infinite and doesn’t need much attention and the past being useless and fortunately gone for good. Wrapped in my sorcerer’s blanket of childishness I don’t seem to have moved on to my new fond adult life and everything it has to offer.

I’ve often wondered about 5 years from now and I don’t have the slightest clue as to where I would be or what I would do and that does pull me out of my comfort zone but then again I drift back to my present because who knows what the future holds…cos no one can possible predict their future even if its some oracle!

Yesterday I got this mail from TCS which read “welcome to the world of certainty, we help you make a smooth transition from campus life to corporate life…watch this space for more details” and I thought…certainty in a world where recession has taken a toll on the economy and everything is haywire..Especially in the IT sector…it seems more like a euphemism for slavery and self doubt and most importantly oxymoronic rather than comforting. I want the Job they have to offer I really do but the ‘certainty’ got to me because ironically while I was reading the mail I got a call from them asking me about my GPA and how I need to keep my grades up to get the offer letter. “you have to fit the criteria” he said and im thinking what criteria is left to fill when I was handpicked by them. After the call I was overwhelmed with a feeling of insecurity and self doubt and this little animation played out in my head…I was a dot in a big circle which was barely visible but visible enough to tell the circle wasn’t plain but had a dot in the center. I make a difference and that’s important for me to know.

Right now…exactly at this very moment life seems kind of indistinct, like a picture where the photographers hand shook a little. Clarity-blur.

There is so much happening in the world around and somehow nothing seems to affect me. All I care about is fulfilling my wants and catering to me needs. I’ve become so self involved and narcissistic and laid back, its been a while since I thought about someone else and their issues, feelings, etc. or even a simple thought like doing something for my parents or friends hasn’t struck a chord.

Yesterday a friend of mine said ‘Ramya don’t u think it’s the small things in life that really matter’ and the normal emotionally driven me would have said ‘obviously’ in my high pitched tone but instead I said ‘ya rite! Are u drunk?’

Someone said “the human race is a life sentence it is a rough confinement and sometimes we all need to break out of jail” But im majorly confined in my head and how can one walk out of their mind? I realized there is no depth to my connection with anything..everything lasts while it lasts and id like to believe that I miss things which are lost but I realized honestly its only when im alone and I have nothing to do is when I think about those things…on an average day when I am surrounded by people and work im good. Im super actually.

Is that how everyone feels or is it just me? I wonder…

I look at things around me like beautiful houses, cars..etc and I tell myself ten years down the line I will own a house like that and ten years down the line…
I want to be successful, I want to make my parents proud, I want take care of my family and friends, I’ll get serious work hard and party less, I’ll settle with someone who is just like one of my friends..
But I realized I don’t have to wait ten years for any of those things to happens…well maybe a house and my black lamborghini I have to wait on…but the other things I can do them all right now…It is indeed my now that makes my tomorrow and my forever.

Wise wise Emily Dickinson!!