in or out?

“You said I began this messy state of love affair and I drink too much and smoke too fast…
And this city's cleared my innocence
Coffee is pouring out my ears It's the only thing they have in here and my heart stops beating…
And my hearts stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating….”

Threnody..Rock songs…poetry..Epitaphs...every piece of literature or art talks about life. The various shades of grey. White. Black. Red. I wonder if the subject is actually that overrated or do we just magnify our situations more than we should..
What is life?
Ive heard it a million times..its all about playing it smart..about manipulation..about using people to my advantage..about ‘taking lite’ and ive never really paid so much attention to any of the advice given to me… and now I feel ensnared and manipulated and pathetic.
I don’t know if this is how the world all over functions or is it all in my head…do I really have to be ‘cut throat’ to get ahead always…does being cut throat mean stepping over my friends and family..Who are my friends..the real ones…how can one tell?? Am I really still trapped in my past?? I have soooo many questions with no logical answers. . . .what happened to the days when all that mattered was the company and now where u went or how much money u spent..Do ppl have peer pressure at all ages? is this actually peer pressure or just all inside my head?
On the other hand… I’m mostly happy not exactly depressed or lamentable...I’m mostly imbued with the traumas of life and the questions lurking in my head about existence and purpose more like my blogs..not exactly insincere but desperately inflated. I feel utterly purposeless and extravagant right now…

pardon me id like the easiest way out.